My relationship with a machine

For the past few years I have tried to talk my son into wanting a Wii. Every Christmas and Birthday I would ask him and he just never was that interested in it. Which really sucked because I wanted a Wii, dammit.

Actually, what I wanted was the Wii Fit. At the time it came out I had a gym membership that I was paying for monthly and just never seemed to have the time to go. Ok, it probably didn't help that it was only open in the mornings until 1 and then from 4-7 in the evenings and half day on Saturday. It seemed that every single time I had time to go, it was closed. Or getting ready to close. Or something.

Last year for Christmas, Chad's parents got our family a Wii....SCORE!! Now, the only problem that I had was the Wii Fit was $100 and I am just way too cheap frugal to actually run out and purchase one of these for myself.

A few months later my family started asking me what I wanted for my birthday. Well. How very fortunate that I had already given this alot of thought and came up with something that I wanted.

A couple of weeks ago I turned 39 and received my Wii Fit. And promptly hooked it up and started using it. We argued, my Wii Fit and I, at first. She seemed to think I weighed slightly more than I believed I weighed. But she is a force to be reckoned with and would not budge on her initial analysis of my weight so I gave in and went with it. Of course, I then promptly password protected it just to be sure that nobody else would be able to see what she was "claiming" that I weigh.

I have learned quite a few things since I began using my Wii Fit. First, I have NO BALANCE whatsoever. All of those stupid training exercises that involve balancing on the board for something, they are just not working for me. I cannot for the life of me balance on a ball and juggle. Since I am not intending on applying for a job as a clown anytime soon, I do not really have a problem with this.

Second, the voice this game uses is annoying. She is also rude. I find it rude to get on to the board for my test daily and watch her blow my Mii up and tell me that I am overweight. I also find it rude for her to tell me to turn the board on and to get on and then she says "OOOOH." Like I am too heavy for standing on it. I no longer feel that I want to cry when she says it, but sometimes I wouldn't mind so much if it were a real person standing there so I could smack her one.

Third, I really enjoy having something in my house that I can use whenever I have the time. Driving to the gym and working out was too much of a hassle, but I can do this. I just scoot the board under the tv and it stays out of the way. It's already hooked up so there is nothing I really have to do to prepare it. I like this, alot.

I have lost 3 pounds since starting this. I have also recently lost the ability to walk like a normal human being. My calves are killing me and wearing heels is so not happening right now. But I trudge on, my Wii Fit and I, because one day I will be able to hop onto the board and she will no longer feel the need to insult me. I hope.

It takes a village.... or something like that

I have done something that I sincerely regret. It's not anything immoral or unethical. It wasn't against the law or even what I would consider rude, but yet I still regret it.

In order to understand better I have to preface this by saying that I absolutely detest my neighbors. They moved in next door to me about a year ago and to this day I can not tell you who actually lives there. A couple months ago there was a big blow out(at 3 am of course) and one of the guys that lives there moved out. It seems though that he was replaced by about 4 others.

My neighbors have parties, all the time. They also have a lot of friends, most of whom I can only assume are vampires because they only visit when it is dark outside, preferably after midnight. Alot of these visitors are also very adverse to actually getting out of their car and going into the house. They would much rather pull up in front of MY house and honk their horn until someone comes out which thrills my dog to death and causes hyper barking at all hours of the night. Fabulous.

They also have a dog. This dog (whom I have named Wiggles because I have no idea what her name really is and have not actually spoken to my neighbors since the fateful night a few months ago when I walked into my backyard at 2am and basically told them to SHUT THE HELL UP) is absolutely adorable. She is part pit bull and has recently been forced into outside dog status, just in time for the hottest part of the year with no shade whatsoever, might I add.

Wiggles favorite spot in the entire yard is right next to the fence separating our yards and as there is no privacy fence on that side we get to see her mournfully stare at us through the chain link and when we look in that direction, she goes wild. First, her ears perk up. Then the thought bubble appears over her head.

"OMG....THEY'RE LOOKING AT ME, THEY'RE LOOKING AT ME, THEY'RE LOOKING AT ME!!!!!"

Her entire body then starts to shake. Not out of fear, no. She is just so darn excited that just wagging her tail is not nearly enough to convey how happy she is.

Every once in awhile we will walk over to the fence and pet her head and give her a rawhide. She will then spend then next 2-3 hours running through her backyard, throwing it up in the air, pouncing upon it and then doing it all again. Eventually, she will settle down and chew on it, but not until she is absolutely positive that it is good and dead.

Last night I was sleeping. Chad was snoring, the fan was on to drown out any of the possible noises coming from the house next door. At some point I was awoken (awaken?) by a persistent bark that sounded like it was under my bed. It took me a second but I realized it was the dog next door. By this time it had awoken both of my dogs who respond to a dog barking by...well by barking back, except they are much, much louder.

I yelled at my dogs and tried to go back to sleep. I placed the pillow over my head and still could hear the persistent yapping and it really did sound like it was really close.

I got up and went to my window to peer out and see if I could figure out what was making that dog bark. I peeked through the blinds and there was Wiggles, sitting by the fence.

Staring at my window.

She wasn't barking at another dog, she wasn't barking at a bird, or squirrel or anything else. She was barking to let me know that she was out there. I tried several times to lay back down and go to sleep but the barking persisted.

Now, this is when it would be incredibly handy to be Chad. He has a pretty severe hearing loss so the neighbors antics never bother him. The only reason he woke up at all is because my constant muttering under my breath and our dogs barking right next to him seemed to penetrate his eardrums and so he asked me what the problem was.

I told him how the dog had been barking, at this point, pretty consistently for 45 minutes and the neighbors had not even attempted to come outside and figure out what the problem was. I grumped and tossed and turned and complained.

After another 5 minutes of this I couldn't take it anymore and reached for my robe. Chad turned over and asked me where I was going. I didn't say anything, I was on a mission. I wanted quiet.

So I grabbed a rawhide treat and went out into my backyard to bribe Wiggles into being quiet for the rest of the night. And it worked. I didn't hear a peep out of her for the rest of the night.

And then tonight at midnight, when the barking started. I just grabbed the rawhide and met her at the fence.

Apparently, I have created a monster.

The Countdown is ON!!!

Has the school year ended yet? No, seriously. Has it? I am tired of chasing my son down to get his work done and actually turned in and am so ready for a break. I am so tired of dealing with the idiocy of this school, which incidentally hasn't been bad throughout much of the school year but has recently turned into a daily headache.

Yesterday's conversation was based on the fact that my son had his binder confiscated from him because it can be classified as a backpack. This binder happens to be one of those big binders that has a strap on it so he can carry it. This binder also happens to be something that he has carried around for most of the school year and has never been a problem before.

I called the school, first to verify that they were really that ignorant, and second to see what I needed to do about getting this back, since this is the last week of school and every single piece of school work that needs to be turned in this week is located in said binder.

First, I spoke with the school secretary. Now, I did not tell any of these people the reason that I was asking. I figured that I would get my answer and then go about getting it back. The school secretary was very nice and polite and claimed that she couldn't see any reason that this would be a problem but wasn't sure so she would transfer me to the counslor's office.

The counselor was very nice and seemed to understand my question but could not seem to give me a straight answer. (She would have made a great politician.) So she transferred me to the AP's office since they are the one's that actually enforce all the codes there.

I spoke with a very nice secretary who could not see why this would be a problem but she would have to check with the AP first before she told me for sure. She then came back and informed me that the AP states (now, this is the AP's take on the rule not how it is actually worded in the eleventy gazillion page handbook that I was reading through before calling the school) that if you can fit a book into the binder then it becomes a backpack.

HUH??????????

She repeated what the AP said and then told me that it was for my child's safety.

Now, every single solitary time I have been told by the school that something was for my child's safety, it has been about something that has absolutely no bearing on the conversation. I told her that I wasn't trying to make trouble, I would just come pick up the offending object and be done with it but please do not try to tell me that it is for my child's safety because that is crap. Had the AP stated that he could not carry anything that could possibly hold a gun or a knife, then they could use that excuse. (Ya know, cause the baggy ass pants that these kids wear cannot possibly hold guns or knives. I'm just saying.)

But no, I was told that he could not carry anything that could possibly hold a book. Now, nobody can tell me how come he was able to walk throughout that entire school every single day for the last 7 months with this offending object. There was even the time he was sent to the AP's office and his cell phone was confiscated for texting in class. He sat right there in the AP's office with this binder but nobody said anything about it. Guess it wasn't so important then. With a week and a half left of school, schedules to get ready, tests to study for and grades to get inputted....now is the time to worry about it.

Cause that makes alot of sense.

Things annoying me right now

Every now and again I get to the point where the stupid has gotten to be too much and I just need a break from it.


*School lunch ladies who not only credit checks to the wrong account (mistakes happen, I understand this) but when pointed out by my son, ignore the problem for several days until I have to call to get it fixed. And then proceed to act totally ignorant of the entire situation until I threaten to have the school board brought in since apparently a cancelled check showing that it was cashed TUESDAY is not proof enough for you.

*Friendly neighborhood banks that decide to go all high tech and fancy and then promptly lose your cash deposit.

*Well meaning people who are honestly trying to be helpful and kind but in doing so then turn around and insult you without even trying.

*My son and his new propensity to unplug the modem with his big feet,necessitating in my having to spend 15 minutes nightly trying to coax my incredibly old router to understand that it was just a mistake.

*Mystery random pains that come out of nowhere and are excruciating until they just go away with no rhyme or reason. This weeks malady...my right ankle. Weird.

*A friend who needs some help with something so I decided to give him a hand with it and he then promptly added a crap load of other stuff to it. I should have known better than to help out Mr. Give and Inch and He'll Take a Mile.

*Grocery shopping....enough said.

*Rude drivers who cannot seem to fathom that cutting me off and racing to the stop light only gets you there 2 seconds quicker than me and guess what? YOU ARE STILL STUCK WAITING!!! Dumbass.

*Houses that won't spring clean themselves before the beginning of next month, when we are having a bunch of people here for a baby shower for Cara.

Edited to add * Teachers that are much more concerned with possible rule violations than using thier heads. Case in point....Cody has a binder that ALL of his work is in. One of his teachers decided on Friday that after he has carried it around for the last 7 months, since it has a strap on it in which to carry it, this means it is a backpack. So she confiscated it. So the entire weekend was spent trying to recreate bits and pieces of information that he is supposed to turn in on Monday to another class.


Here's hoping to a much more pleasant week......

Mother of the Year

For the last week or so I have noticed that my spoons are missing. Now, this isn't the first time this has ever happened. When my kids were younger they had this compulsion to use my spoons to dig to China. I would often find them in the back yard or neighbors yard and more often than not, never find them at all. Apparently spoons, when left to their own device, will get up and wander off never to be seen again.

Anyway, I no longer have small children at home so I was really stumped about the spoon debacle. Cody will only be outside if it is on the way to somewhere else so I really couldn't see him actually trying to play in the dirt with them.

Actually, I did have a theory. This theory was based on the fact that his room is a code orange away from a Haz Mat crew being called in. I really figured that Cody had something to do with it. I mean come on, he's the only child that I have left at home. I know I didn't do it and I was fairly certain that Chad had better things to do with his day then to hide spoons from me.

So I did what any mother of a teenage boy does. I yelled, alot. I accused him of hiding them in his bed, under his bed, in his closet, in his dresser drawers, anywhere in his room where they weren't supposed to be. He claimed his innocence loudly and repeatedly and I did not believe him. We went round and round about it and finally, I gave up. I just couldn't do it anymore. I was done. I could buy new spoons. Big spoons. Spoons that gave you an electric shock that would zap you if you walked out of the kitchen with it. (Do they make those cause if not then I am a friggin GENIUS!!!!)

Later that evening I went into my office and sat at my desk and realized that I had a pile of stuff in my in box that needed to be filed and mailed. I also noticed there was a light sheen of dust on my desk and it had been awhile since I dusted in there. So I started cleaning off my desk and lifted the printer tray to run a dust cloth under it.

And found 6 spoons.

You see, every morning I get up and go into my office to check my email. Before I go into my office I pass by the kitchen where I grab a cup of yogurt and a spoon. When I am done with the yogurt cup I throw it in the trashcan in the office and apparently believe that the spoon will take itself back to the kitchen.

Is it bad that I did not tell Cody this, nor do I have any intention to? Mother of the Year award, coming right up.

Why?

When my kids were little they would do anything to stay out of trouble. Now, by anything I do not mean that they would listen to me, do what they were supposed to do, and always be polite. No, that would have been too easy. Instead, they would do their level best to hide everything they did that was wrong because if I didn't see it, then it didn't happen. Right?

My oldest two have since grown up and moved out and I have had a grand old time lately listening to the various things my oldest daughter has had to deal with in having a 5 year old stepson. It's like Karma!

I have had one child left living at home for the past year and so pretty much everything is focused on him and only him. Occasionally the state of his room gets on my nerves but for the most part the thing that gets him into trouble is not doing or even worse, doing and not turning in his school work. Everything I have yelled at him about in the past 6 months has had something to do with school.

Flash forward to yesterday. I am slaving over the laundry and wonderful mother that I am, walk into his room to hang up some of his shirts I had just finished. He is sitting in his gaming chair and playing a game, talking to someone on the phone and generally just being a slug for the day. I open his closet and my head exploded.
The boy is quick, I gotta give him that. He immediately got off the phone and threw down his controller and was up a whole lot quicker than I would have ever given him credit for being able to move.

"I got it!" he said, a little panicked.

For almost a week now I have asked him to clean up his closet so at this point I call him a liar and tell him that no, I dont believe him and proceed to start throwing stuff around in his closet.

For the most part he has eleventy gazillion blankets, comforters, and sheets in his closet on the top shelf. Well, they are supposed to be on his top shelf, folded neatly, but no...they were flung all over the place like the blanket monster had just thrown up. In between the blankets and such are various other things and clothes, clean clothes, dirty clothes, everything...ALL ON THE FLOOR OF THE CLOSET.

I decided to just get rid of most of the blankets. No point in them being there and its not like we really needed them all. There was one comforter sitting on the shelf wadded up. All the rest of them were on the floor. "Why is it," I screamed, "that you can have only one of them land up on the shelf and it can't even be folded correctly???"

At this point his face contorts to something I can identify as downright panic. I go to grab it off the shelf and he tries pushing it back on the shelf. "NO, I WILL GET IT....PLEASE JUST LET ME GET IT" he fairly screeched.

Well, I figure that he had his chance and I am ticked now so I grab it again and go to pull it down. And underneath this comforter find a pair of shoes...caked with mud.

"Why do you have a pair of your shoes up here?" I ask.

By this point the boy's face is almost white. I fear he is going to pass out on me and cannot figure out why. I mean, yeah I am mad and all but it's not like he hasn't seen me mad before. Maybe he was thinking that since we were in a closet with hangers that I was going to go Mommie Dearest on him. But, I don't have any wire hangers and plastic just isn't the same. I am flummoxed.

"I uh,um, I'm gonna go clean them now" he muttered.

So I look closer and realize those aren't just any shoes. Nope, those are Chad's dress shoes that he borrowed a few months ago and then apparently decided to go mudding in while wearing.

Why couldn't he just clean them when he got them muddy in the first place? Why couldn't he have stayed out of the mud for the twenty minutes that he was wearing the damn shoes? Why did he hide the shoes in his closet? Why, if he is going to be sneaky couldn't he have just cleaned his damn closet the first hundred and sixty seven times I asked him?

Why do I even bother to ask?

Sometimes it doesn't pay to answer the phone

I was in the bathroom washing the car mats from my car in the bathtub since an extra large Cherry Limeade is really sticky when spilled in the car, when the phone rang. I glanced at the number and did not recognize it but it had an Austin prefix so I figured what the hell, and answered it anyway.

Mistake #1

A very chirpy voice greets me by asking for me. "Yes", I reply, "this is she."

Chirpy Voice: "Ma'am, this is Bridget, from the Texas Port Authority. I have been authorized to contact you concerning an overdue toll that was not paid. I need to verify your car before we can go any further."

Me: "Okay, how much is this toll?"

Bridget: "I will get to that in just a moment ma'am. First, do you own a 02 White Ford Focus with plate number blah blah blah blah blah blah?" (Honestly, this is what I heard because I was no longer really listening to her.)

Mistake #2

Me: "I used to own this car, however, I no longer do and have not owned it since October of 09."

Bridget: "Well ma'am, this overdue toll is from August of "09"

Me:"Okay, fine, how much is it?"

Bridget: "Just a moment ma'am, do you have a pen and paper to write down the information that I am about to give you?"

Me:"Jesus, How much is the fine that I need a piece of paper to write down the damn number????"

Bridget:"Ma'am, I have more information for you, please get the pen and paper so I can give it to you.'

SIGH

Me:"Okay, fine...I have a pen and paper."

She then proceeds to give me all of the relevant information for this fine, case number, amount ($42.80!!!) how I can pay it, ect.

Now it should be noted, the stupid toll system here is completely whacked. There are certain areas that you cannot pay for your toll at the time. You can purchase a TxToll Tag and then it will be taken care of but you cannot pay as you go. They will send you a bill monthly and you take care of it as the bill comes in...of course for this lovely practice you are charged extra since they had to bill you. The amount above is from going through a toll twice in one day and then the extra charges that are applied if it is not paid. Why did I not pay it? Honestly, I don't remember getting the stupid bill, but it's not like you can fight that...sigh.

Me:"Well, I am running really low on checks and I am not paying you over the phone so I will go ahead and pay it online."

Bridget:"Okay ma'am, that is fine. You will need your case number and the tag number of the car in order to pay it online."

Me:"Oh, I don't remember the tag number of that car, could you give it to me again, please?"

Bridget: "Oh, I'm sorry ma'am, but because of the Fair Information Act of blah blah blah, I am unable to give you this information. Do you have the bill we sent you with that information on it that you can use?"

Me:"Um, if I had that bill with that information on it then we probably would not be speaking right now, because I would have paid it already. And seriously, you cannot give me this information even though YOU JUST GAVE IT TO ME EARLIER WHEN YOU WERE VERIFYING THE CAR WAS MINE????"

Dammit, she gave me the information before she made me get a pen and paper so I didn't know that it was gonna be relevant and that I would need to know this information later!

Bridget:"I'm sorry ma'am, I really can't give you this information. Don't you know the cars plate number or isn't it on the title of the car?"

Me:(getting seriously annoyed now)"No,Bridget, I do not know this cars plate number seeing as I no longer have this car and have not had it for over six months now. I have other things clogging up my brain cells and do not have the extra room for this information. Also, yes it would be listed on the title of the car, however as I told you earlier I NO LONGER OWN THE CAR. So, I will tell you what. I am not paying this over the phone to you. I am not mailing a check to you. I will pay this online when I am supplied the information that I need to do so. You can go ahead and take me to court and then I can supply them with all the OTHER information that you so kindly provided me with. And please please please tell me that this call is being recorded so that I can prove the idiocy of you having already mentioned the stupid plate number while you were verifying the car but refusing to give it to me to pay the fine."

Bridget:(incredibly flustered at this point) "Ma'am, could you please hold while I speak with my supervisor?"

She gave me the plate number.

Bureaucracy at it's best.

MAY!?

This year has flown by leaps and bounds. I don't have a clue where most of it has gone but it's inching closer and closer to summer.

May has always been a pretty busy month for our family. Between the normal stuff, the birthday (4 of them this month!) mothers day and everything else we have something planned for pretty much every week of the entire month.

I have been doing really well this year keeping organized with my receipts however, I really fell off budget last month. Too many lattes, too many lunches with friends that it was my turn to pick up, and too many trips to pick up one more thing at the store had me going over on things. I didn't actually get behind on anything and didn't put anything on my credit cards so that is always a big plus but there are a few things that I could have paid down a bit more, had I been paying more attention. Oh well, spilt milk.

Found out today that Cara's blood type is 0+. How weird. I just assumed that it was either A+ or A- since those are mine and her dad's blood type.

Christin came by today to inform me that they would all be coming over on Friday to give me my Mother's Day gift. I was a little miffed at first, thinking this meant that I wouldn't see anyone on Sunday but apparently they have other plans for Sunday.

Chad hasn't been working for himself quite as much as we would have liked. Luckily, he has a fall back plan when he doesn't have any work. It is quite frustrating how often people will want something for free. He needs to get out of the circle of customers that he is in now to expand the way that he wants. I'm not that worried, though it is very annoying that these are also people that work for themselves and should understand the overhead involved in paying their own taxes. He has gotten to the point where he will not go down on his prices and honestly, I can't really blame him. Oh well, it's the nature of the business.

Only a four or so weeks of school left, thank God. I am seriously ready for a break. Staying on top of Cody's grades is absolutely exhausting. I think about strangling him daily but thus far have managed to restrain myself.

Finally got the baby shower date worked out and was smart enough to go ahead and plan it in June. At first we were thinking about trying to do it in another venue, renting someplace for a couple hours, but we have decided to just go ahead and have it here. Makes it easier and a bit cheaper. I would much rather spend money on baby stuff then to spend it on the shower.

Speaking of babies, it's entirely possible that they have actually picked out a name. Not my favorite name but I have heard much, much worse. The name they have so far is Liam. Still totally undecided on the middle name though.

Lots to do this week, out of town guests at the end of the month so getting started with a bit of spring cleaning (I'm always running a bit late with that!) A few decent resets here and there for one of the companies that I work for. A little of this and a little of that for another. Should be an interesting month.